The Feel Institute
March 15, 2020

Daily Archives

  • Erectile dysfunction – a different point of view

    Genitals and Erectile Dysfunction (ED)

    Many of the people who contact me cite erectile dysfunction or an issue with their genitals as their primary reason for seeking a sexuality professional.

    Whilst there are medical reasons why some people cannot get or stay hard, in my experience, most people with some sort of erectile dysfunction are cerebral.

    In other words, they think more than they feel.

    When I work with men who have erectile dysfunction, we focus on getting them into their bodies.

    It has taken me the best part of 4 decades to realise that the body is wise.

    Wise beyond belief.

    Way more wisdom than my computer of a brain.

    My computer of a brain which is full of past experiences and a robust alarm system which highlights patterns from the past.

    Blame and shame

    Something I have noticed with some of my clients is that they blame themselves for too much masturbation in their youth.

    Others think they have watched too much porn, or the wrong kind of porn, or some other thing they did which explains why this is happening.

    I am yet to find any evidence to fully support this.

    What I do see is an embarrassment, anxiety, fear and shame. A belief that there is something wrong. That something is broken. That there is something that needs to be fixed.

    I also recognise habitual patterns which are deeply engrained and the possibility of a different way hard to imagine.

    Listening to your body

    Our body communicates with us. It has messages for us. If, we are prepared to listen.

    Most of us don’t listen.

    We ignore the tension, the pain and the discomfort.

    Feeling a niggle and noticing something isn’t quite right?

    Too often, we turn a blind eye or pop a pill to make the symptom go away.

    We endure. We tolerate.

    I wholeheartedly believe the body is an incredibly eloquent communicator.

    And it can only take so much.

    It can only absorb so much of the stress, expectation, judgement and punishment that we put it through.

    And then it packs up in one form or another.

    That is what I think many a ‘mid-life crisis’ is.

    Sooner or later, after being ignored, the container breaks.

    The body says, ‘fuck this! I can’t do this anymore.’

    Erections are no different.

    How we treat genitals

    I ran a self-pleasure workshop recently and when preparing, I was working through it with my mentor, the incredible Betty Martin. We were talking about genitals and how we treat them.

    Most of us, including me, treat them like they have a job to do.

    We work them.

    We have expectations and judgements on what they should be doing. How they should be performing.

    I understand how we got here.

    We received sex education which is all about reproduction and penis in vagina sex.

    You must have a hard-on.

    I haven’t noticed any soft cocks on the top 100 porn videos, have you?

    It is expected that if you have a cock it must be hard on demand. I wrote more about this in ‘Who is this erection for?

    If the erection is elusive, it is a failure on your part, or the part of your partner, lover, whatever. It is somebody’s fault.

    And you are right.

    It is someone’s fault.

    We are all accountable.

    The truth about erections and genitals

    You might want to sit down for this next bit as I am about to say something that goes against what we are led to believe.

    I rarely talk about one truth, as I believe there are multiple truths to almost everything, however, this is one truth I believe covers the vast amount to people.

    Our genitals do not need to please us.

    We need to please our genitals.


    It is worth saying again.

    Our genitals do not need to please us.

    We need to please our genitals.

    What do your genitals want?

    How do they like to be touched?

    What do they enjoy?

    How can you be in service to your genitals?

    Come to think about it, how you can you be in service to your incredible body?

    If any of the above resonates, and you want my support in getting back into your body and pleasing your genitals, get in touch with me here.